Suggestions by KateSpade85
You have strong points, and I really like how you mention both men and women. In several of the other papers I've read, they only give statistics of women. I think that there should be some comparison so that the reader can see the actual numbers. This makes a stronger argument I believe.
You may want to concentrate on making sure that your argument flows well. I felt that a few parts were choppy and maybe a little disorganized. Evaluate your points, and then organize them so that they make the most effective argument.
Overall, nice job and good luck!
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