Evaluations of Version 2
The ideas of the paper are good. The supports could be more elaborate and developed but this paper has a lot of potential.
The most important thing to take care of is the structure. The paper has an informal tone. This is mostly because of the first-person perspective. I find that essays sound more formal when written without the words “I” and “my” and the phrase “I think.” Try replacing those words or just eliminating them altogether. Because you wrote the essay, it is understood to be your beliefs. There is no need to say “I think”; it is understood.
Perhaps this is a personal preference but I, as a reader, prefer to see the thesis in the first paragraph. As soon as I finish that first paragraph, I want to have an idea of what is going to be proved and how it will be proved. This not only prepares me for what is to come but also makes me start thinking subconsciously about the issues and I become a more active reader rather than a passive reader. I support 3-pronged theses, probably out of habit, but I also find that they force the writer to be concise and establish a structure early in the paper.
I understand your arguments but I do not find them persuasive. At this point, they are opinionated observations. More support and concrete evidence is needed for your paper. Why is the Supreme Court correct in its decisions? If I was to argue against this issue I might bring up ideas such as the Constitution guarantees due process and equal rights for all, why should foreigners in our court system be treated any differently? If everyone is innocent until proven guilty, wouldn’t the United States be hypocritical to grant a foreigner fewer rights than a citizen? Do some people have more rights than others in this country? Do permanent residents of this country have fewer rights than those who are citizens? Where is the line drawn? What exceptions should our court system follow?
Investigating those issues will make the paper have more depth.
Also, the paper should be longer. Citations for the sources should be listed at the end of the paper.
Again, the ideas in the paper are good. They just need some support behind them. Addressing these issues will make for a much more convincing essay.
I think the paper was really well written and you do a good job of incorporating in your opinion as well as factual information. Make sure you cite your sources and all that kind of stuff, and perhaps use a few more quotes. It might add credibility to your argument instead of it just being all your opinion. Anyway, good job!
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- abc123 last edited on 19 April 2005 at 1:22 pm by abc123