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Evaluation of draft by robertoSmith

For Ephraim

The essay you have written seems to have good strongs keys to an excellent essay. However, it does not appear that these keys are in the exact order they need to be in for this essay to be powerful and convincing. The first noticiable issue is that the point of the essay does not seem clear until the last paragraph of the essay. This paragraph seems key and would serve a better purpose closer to the top of the page.


The essay has a great amount of information and sources are cited(not referenced to later however) and used effectively. The only problem with the information is that it only focuses on the problem itself and not on ways to solve the problem or ideas others may have on altering the issue in any way. If this was added to the essay it would add more depth to the research and add a dminension of influnce to the paper itself.


The biggest issue with the paper is that it lacks a strong claim if any at all. What claim is made is close to the end of the essay and it is not explained as effectively as needed. If the paper were to improve in anything this would be the thing thats needs to be looked at the most because of the parameters of the assignment and the purpose of the essay.


Overall, i would give the paper a decent grade and beleive that with a little work this paper could be great because of the information it already holds. It will be difficult to fit any more info into the paper with its length so short so other than a few changes in structure it may be tough to add more substance. But good luck and it is a great start.



For Spidey32586

This paper has some very good ideas in it. The essay definietly has an opinion and a way to fix the problem. However, it is very difficult to identify a clear thesis that states the opinion in one sentence or two. Another thing about the essay is the amount of long sentences it has. On many sentences it is difficult to follow ideas because of the many commas( some of which i believe are misused) and ideas that make up one sentence. A simpler approach or less complex sentences would help the appeal and effectiveness of this paper tremendously. It is easy to see that there is already a strong sense of structure in the paper with the ideas. If there was an intro paragraph stating the structure more clearly or something to that nature it would have allowed me to understand some of the sentences better. I feel that if more information or substance for other sources was added to the paper and they were cited as well as additional ideas to add a little more length the paper would be in great shape. On the whole this paper is a great start and with a little more detail and detail work this essay could be fantastic.

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