Evaluation of CashMoney's First Draft by lightfoot
I would commend the author of the draft for taking a firm stance based on what are clearly his convictions. At the same time, I would encourage the author to consider a few suggestions for revision. At the risk of being blunt, this paper walks a thin line between being politically incorrect and downright offensive, particularly to females. The author attempts to use an analogy with an 'Easy-Bake Oven' that communicates his opinion quite unequivocally. However, I would recommend removing this immediately. Such a comparison has connotations that are unacceptable in modern society; it has no place in a formal research paper. If the author wishes to make this claim, that is certainly his prerogative; nevertheless, I would not leave such a provocative statement wholly unsubstantiated. This statement and the author's contentions in general need to be shored up with documented sources that are consistent with his assertions. Such an inflammatory perspective lacks credibility unless it is well-supported.
I would ask the author to consider this sentence from his paper: "Female athletics are being given enough benefits, and they have a similar opportunity of education as men." This statement makes two rather bold claims, and it is in great need of some sort of authentication. Readers will question the validity of the statement regardless of whether or not it is supported by research; a little documentation will save the paper from being discredited entirely.
Ultimately, this paper will have to be changed considerably. As it now stands, the paper communicates his ideas in a clear and concise manner. Nevertheless, it is mere opinion, untenable and indefensible. I would challenge the author to actively seek out legitimate sources to support his rather unconventional views or to undertake a wholesale reconsideration of the ideas espoused in the paper. The author is welcome to his opinion, but one way or another, he must do research to lend a well-written paper some much-needed substance.
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