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I like a lot of the ideas that you involved in you essay. The main comment that i would have is that the rhetoric is perhaps a bit too informal(i'm sure you're already aware of that).

Some of the ideas are very interesting and could be developed a bit further, perhaps a bit more information from other sources would help to support your claim.

The introduction has a good statement within it, but that too could be expanded and developed so as to encompass the intirety of the essay and make it 'come in with a bang.'

I think you were really on the right track, and i'm sure you're already aware of most of the improvements that could be made.