Evaluation of CashMoney's First Draft by datboi2sick
I agree that starting your essay off with a quote is not a good idea; this is also something that I need to fix in my essay. You have little or no support in your essay. This is something you need to work on. You have to presuade the reader in agreeing with you. The lines, "Growing up it is a young male’s dream to play in the NBA or NFL. It is his dream to someday become a star athlete and score the winning basket or throw the winning touchdown pass in the big game. On the other hand, young females grow up playing with Barbie dolls and baking cookies in their Easy-Bake Ovens," can be taken in offense. Personally I agree that Title IX is not ideal in promoting gender inequality. People who read about a topic that is as open ended and controversial as Title IX should read it with an open mind. People cannot get too narrow-headed, this is a position paper. Personally, I thought your essay was pretty funny and true to some extent. You just need more support.
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