Peer Review by TBFrosty44
Your draft is not a paper yet. You need to still make paragraphs and add both an introduction and conclusion.
The paragraph about athletics is informative. There are some good statistics, but there might be a need for more. Also, with statistics, you should try and expand on how these statistics relate to the topic on a whole. The statistics should not just be listed out. I also really like your comment about the employer and how sports will affect your future job. This is a good way to place the topic in a larger context. This could be used in an introduction.
The paragraph about academics is also informative. I know your position deals with academics, but you might want to double check with the professor because the assigned topic just dealt with athletics. I like the academic information in your paper because it shows Title IX as being beneficial to both men and women. This is good, but I want you to make sure that the professor would approve this. This information could also be used for an overall picture of Title IX.
The comparison statement is good, but needs much more explanation. I think you still need to develop your position greatly in general. You should definitely work on clearing up any and all points you are trying to make in your paper.