Evaluation of draft by ti89titanium
The essay is off to a good start. The biggest issue that I have with it is that the thesis does not come until the end. It seems like the last paragraph is the thesis and everything before that is background information on the issues that face the topic. Although that background information can be helpful, in this case, it does not clearly support or explain the position of the essay. For example, if the position is that the US needs election reform, use the 2000 election as an example of the potential for problems then point out what specifically what should change, how it should change, and why it should change.
The paper seems to serve more as an informative article rather than a persuasive essay. I suggest making an outline of what the thesis is, and what the main supports to that thesis are. Then fill in the rest of the paper with the outline as a map of where the paper should go and lead into.
There are also some grammatical errors such as sentence fragments and improper use of punctuations.
The paper does a good job of putting the topic into a larger context with the introduction of historical elections. The examples given are very relevant to the voting topic.
It also makes good use of sources.
This is a very good first draft. It addresses several important issues that underlie the topic and explains how the issue affects the topic. Several sources are cited (though I wish the sources were documented directly below the essay) and all were used in a relevant manner. The author addresses the Constitutional issue as well as the convenience/efficiency issues and links them to the thesis. The thesis is very concise and direct and is easily understood.
It seems as the thesis is really the last paragraph of the essay. It seems to be preferred that the thesis be in the first paragraph telling the reader what the author is going to discuss. The first paragraph ends with “This report will discuss this possibility in depth looking at many different parameters that the system would involve.” The assignment details states that the claim or position should begin the argument. With that in mind, the current sentence does not have a position or claim within it.
Currently, I think the essay does a good job at stating the issue and addressing problems. I do not think it is strong enough at this point to be convincing to the readers. I would like to see more emphasis on issues such as “if no voting system is perfect, what would make the country want to change to an equally non-perfect system,” “the voting system has been successful for quite a long time (though, with some amendments needed to create equality), why change everything because of one incident,” and “what if the states’ people do not want reformed felons to be able to vote.” But I can understand that with the max words set at 1600, there is not too much room to address every issue. But again, excellent draft and I am sure that this paper will receive a decent grade.
There are a lot of good and not-so-good aspects to this paper.
I suppose there may be an alternate spelling but I believe the name should be spelled “Franklin.” Constitution should be capitalized when talking about “the United States’ Constitution.” First paragraph needs specific citation. How do you know that Jefferson thought it would be fortunate if the Constitution lasted more than 20 years? Also, quotes that are longer than 4 lines should be indented to make reading easier.
“Who have the power over people” – should be “Who has…”
Formal essays probably should not have the sentence “Isn't it strange?” Not only is it ambiguous about what “it” is (even in context “it” is ambiguous) but also the sentence uses a contraction, which should be avoided in formal papers.
The sentence “In the 130 millions of Chinese people, at least 120 millions are able to realize what a lack of logic the constitution has.(The other 10 millions are still in
kids gardens)” should probably read “From the 130 million Chinese people, nearly 120 million realize the illogical nature of their constitution. (The other 10 million are still in kindergarten.)” Again, where did you get this information from? Cite your source.
There are many other grammatical errors in this essay. I would recommend having someone read this over to correct those grammatical errors specifically.
But despite those errors, the essay shows good ideas. The beginning and the ending are detailed and focused. I felt that the middle of the essay concentrated on China and the problems that it is facing. The essay should focus on why the United States is not a model for political, social, and moral progress. Although I understood what was trying to be proved, the essay should be much clearer and easier to read. To do this, try explicitly defining your thesis. For example, use the last paragraph as a thesis but try to make it only one or two sentences long and have three specific supports for your thesis. Put that thesis at (or near) the end of the first paragraph. In the body of the essay, elaborate on those supports and explain how they support the thesis.
I think all the ideas are there but I think you just need help on getting those ideas across to the reader more effectively and concisely.
Again, try not to focus on China so much. Try using more examples of other countries and how they would compare with the United States politically, socially, and morally.
This will be a very good essay. The biggest issue is really the grammar and structure rather than the ideas. The ideas are good. Just work on the organization a bit more and it will be a very good paper.
The ideas of the paper are good. The supports could be more elaborate and developed but this paper has a lot of potential.
The most important thing to take care of is the structure. The paper has an informal tone. This is mostly because of the first-person perspective. I find that essays sound more formal when written without the words “I” and “my” and the phrase “I think.” Try replacing those words or just eliminating them altogether. Because you wrote the essay, it is understood to be your beliefs. There is no need to say “I think”; it is understood.
Perhaps this is a personal preference but I, as a reader, prefer to see the thesis in the first paragraph. As soon as I finish that first paragraph, I want to have an idea of what is going to be proved and how it will be proved. This not only prepares me for what is to come but also makes me start thinking subconsciously about the issues and I become a more active reader rather than a passive reader. I support 3-pronged theses, probably out of habit, but I also find that they force the writer to be concise and establish a structure early in the paper.
I understand your arguments but I do not find them persuasive. At this point, they are opinionated observations. More support and concrete evidence is needed for your paper. Why is the Supreme Court correct in its decisions? If I was to argue against this issue I might bring up ideas such as the Constitution guarantees due process and equal rights for all, why should foreigners in our court system be treated any differently? If everyone is innocent until proven guilty, wouldn’t the United States be hypocritical to grant a foreigner fewer rights than a citizen? Do some people have more rights than others in this country? Do permanent residents of this country have fewer rights than those who are citizens? Where is the line drawn? What exceptions should our court system follow?
Investigating those issues will make the paper have more depth.
Also, the paper should be longer. Citations for the sources should be listed at the end of the paper.
Again, the ideas in the paper are good. They just need some support behind them. Addressing these issues will make for a much more convincing essay.
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