Evaluation of dancingdiva's Rough Draft by lightfoot
I would like to commend dancingdiva for writing a good paper with some excellent and unique ideas. At the start of the paper, her observation that differential treatment of men and women in education is 'doubly destructive' because education is an avenue to the workforce (where, similarly, women will be receive unequal treatment) was especially thought-provoking and pertinent.
One issue that I would approach cautiously is the use of more conventional writing techniques. Personally, I would shy away from ending the paper with a closing sentence; instead, I would incorporate this sentence into a more traditional conclusion paragraph. One sentence paragraphs (if there is such a thing) are also not advisable. The use of contractions should definitely be avoided. The author would also benefit from reconsidering her diction and style; casual use of ellipses, words such as "okay," and phrases as casual as "hop on the train" probably are not well-suited to a research paper. The paper simply needs some minor adjustments in order to formalize it; along the way, the author should carefully review grammar. For instance, consider this passage from the draft: "If a woman wants to play football, then by all means…she should be able to! There is nothing that says a woman is not physically able to play contact sports, nothing in the constitution, either." These sentences suffer from poor grammar, capitalization errors, and informal phrasing. Fixing these errors will lend the final paper a more professional tone that is more readily taken seriously.
Another example: "For every dollar a man earns to the cents a women earns has been on the increase for years now; though, it was in 2002, which is discouraging." I would suggest rephrasing this statement for clarity's sake.
A final example to illustrate a different concern: "Title IX concludes that interscholastic, intercollegiate, club or intramural althletics must provide equal opportunity for both sexes to participate in the sport or to provide separate teams (based on competitive skill or activity that is a contact sport) of equal funding. Contact sports are the exception here, so according to Title IX, it is okay for women to be unincluded."
I believe that this is a misinterpretation of Title IX. Be careful to understand the provisions of the law exactly; nowhere does it stipulate that separate teams must be equally funded. They must be fair and equal only in accordance with the interest demonstrated in the sport. I also don't recall anything about Title IX providing for inequality in contact sports; this seems inconsistent with the spirit of the rest of the law. You might benefit from looking at this site http://www.american.edu/sadker/titleix.htm.
My last concern would be an undue focus on the athletic aspects of Title IX. Although this is the most heavily publicized, in actuality, Title IX encompasses many other aspects of education that are at least as important, if not more so. Once again, I enjoyed reading your paper and consider it to be quite well done - best of luck.
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