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Rough Draft Evaluation by lexie801x
Evaluations of Yan, Xiaochin
Evaluations of Epstein, Marcus
Evaluations of Pennington, Bill
People's Papers I have Reviewed
lightfoot, Redsox24
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Final Paper is Here
Title IX Outline
Title IX was the first federal law established with a goal to end sexual discrimination in educational institutions against both employees and students. One might think this to be a step in the right direction, and it is, but Title IX has also shown that it still possesses many faults. Many of the colleges throughout the nation have to cut some of men’s athletic programs in order to comply with the law as well as institute women’s programs where interest might actually be lacking. For this reason, Title IX should be closely examined possible revisions should be considered.
Women should have the ability and right to an equal opportunity to participate in sports at the college level, but this should also be done without jeopardizing the men’s programs. According to Xaochin Clair Yan, since the year 2000 there have been 435 men’s teams across America that have been eliminated. Yan also mentioned that according to recent studies over the past five years that for each additional female participant of collegiate athletics there have been 3.6 men cut from activity. Marcus Epstein comments on the growth of women’s athletics bringing to our attention that not only have the women’s programs increased, but just the rowing crews have more than doubled in the 4 year span from 1995 to 1999. Athletic directors for the nation’s colleges sometimes frantically hand out scholarships to women who appear to be athletes, even if they have no prior skills in the particular sport. This is just a waste of scholarship funds that could handed to someone deserving of the money.
Title IX definitely deserves a revision and action needs to be taken. If no action is taken before too long, Title IX could quite possibly cause the decline of men’s athletics which is one of the major sources of income across the nation’s campuses.
Comments
This paper has a strong opening. However, it also has some awkward sentences (a fault and common complaint of my writings). Sometimes I write something and when I recite it in my head, it makes sense. But as I put it down on paper, it sounds odd to the people who read it. Here's an example: "One might think this to be a step in the right direction, and it is, but Title IX has also shown that it still possesses many faults." I know you want to use a fancier phrase than "that it is still flawed", but "possesses many faults" is not the way to go. I'll point out other examples later. One of the best cures for this is to actually read the paper out loud, even if you have to freak out your roommate.
The sentence "There are three main areas that Title IX affects. For one, ..." also doesn't quite sound right. I would suggest, "Title IX has three main goals. The first is to distribute financial aid...", or something along those lines. These problems could just be a conflict of styles, so take my suggestions as you wish. Also don't give up on the "three areas" idea. Make sure you lay out all three very clearly. I kinda lost you on idea two, maybe an example would help. What's the difference between interests and benefits? Make sure you change "nut" to "but".
The next paragraph has some good citations. However, comments like, "When women’s rowing programs across the nation are doubling so quickly it is obvious that many directors are simply grabbing any female they deem athletic enough to add to their program." are pretty bold to stand without baking. This is a hypothesis, and you'll need the help of an expert to convince someone that it's what's actually happening. "is not what should be taking place," is awkward (doesn't quiet fit with rest of sentence). "Athletic directors for the nation’s colleges sometimes frantically hand out scholarships to women who appear to be athletes, even if they have no prior skills in the particular sport." again too bold without support.
Next paragraph is good, if anything could make longer and go more in depth with different intrests or another topic.
"Title IX definitely deserves a revision and action needs to be taken." sounds odd to me, but could just be me. "If no action is taken before too long" again odd, would suggest, "If action isn't taken soon". I was taught that the conclusion should only mention what was already covered and not bring up other topics. "which is one of the major sources of income across the nation’s campuses." if you want to mention this, say something in the body. It would look great if you could provide an alternate in conjunction with "There is a better way to accomplish this problem with a minimal hit to the men’s programs across the nation."
The paper is pretty good in the points it makes and the way it uses information to go after the subject. Try reading the paper out loud, and if you still disagree with my comments, ask a friend. If they don't see my objections, and no one else posts about them, just ignore them because it may just be me. Good work and good luck.
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