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Evaluation of NewEngland's First Draft by CookeeMo

I think you have a good beginning to your position paper. You seem to have a good foundation of facts and figures. You might want to include a reference for some of your currently unreferenced facts (e.g. TV air time information).

I think the statements about women's sports being coached by men are counterproductive for your argument. The sentence "Not imputing the fact that women cannot become head coaches, its just winning teams usually have men as head coaches" comes across as an attempt to dig yourself out of the hole you created in the previous sentence. I think the paper will be better if you eliminate both sentences.

Also, be sure to include a strong basis for your claim, " teaches us, as young student adults, that equality still exists in this country." (Perhaps you could name specific examples of equality characteristics of Title IX that carry over into other areas of young adults' lives.) I understand your point, and I think many of your readers might also understand it, but I think your case will be stronger and better understood when you leave less to be inferred.

Overall, I think you have good points. Incorporate sources and show strong foundational support for your claims to turn your good points into a great argument. Finally, do not forget to proof for grammar and spelling errors. -CookeeMo

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